If God could talk
by fishylicious
Summary: Fanmixsongfic containing short drabbles. Spoilers for chapter 58 and up. Raito x L.


**"If God could talk" RaitoxL fanmix**  
**tracks:** 11+1  
**spoilers & warnings:** chapter58. and half of a lemon.

**disclaimer:** I do not own the characters, they belong to Ohba&Obata.

**sidenote:** ok, propably half of you will say "WTF she had put this song in DN fanmix???" Well, I think they fit. That's all. And since I prefer fics than descriptions... you can say it's a songfic. Or a fanmix with drabbles in it. 

**01. Meat Loaf "If God could talk"**  
_Why don't you run away  
And find yourself alive  
Go on and turn the page  
Before your lonely world collides  
What's it gonna take to break the silence  
That's been tearin' you apart?  
If only God could talk_

_Did you swear to yourself  
On the day it was over  
That you'd never turn around  
And get locked up in another cage?_  
---

...it all came back. He was Kira. He wanted to kill Ryuuzaki. He wanted to kill L.  
Was it really okay? If he just let the Death Note fall from his hands, he would come back to being Raito. To being Ryuuzaki's friend.  
Was it really this simple?  
Raito loved Ryuuzaki. Raito liked his odd friend and was glad to just be with him. To be together. They were equal yet so different. Similar minds. Like a reflection in the mirror. So similar Raito could see himself reflected in those deep, dark eyes. Especially in the night when he fell asleep listening to Ryuuzaki's steady breath. Basking in the warmth of their bodies.  
Kira wanted to kill L. His enemy. The only person that meant danger to the new God. There was no friendship and no mercy. No feelings. Nothing that could be described as 'human'. Nothing that could be seen as a weakness.  
"Raito? Are you okay?" a warm hand on his shoulder. Dark, huge eyes with a hint of care in them.  
"...I'm fine." answered Kira after a moment of silence.  
Which path will you choose?

♥

**02. Gregorian masters of chant "Nothing else matters"**

_So close no matter how far  
Couldn't be much more from the heart  
Forever trusting who you are  
And nothing else matters..._

_Never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words I don't just say  
And nothing else matters..._  
---

Ryuuzaki listened to Raito's steady heartbeat. He knew the other was Kira; there was no doubt. Yet he fell for this perfect boy, for this young genius. He knew Raito was Kira but he wanted himself to be wrong, his deductions to be wrong, to miss some important detail.  
There was no way Raito could _not_ be Kira. First Kira. His primary suspect. The only person Ryuuzaki felt safe with, the only person he fell for. The one and only person who he allowed to be near him. The only person that could understand him, that could look at his quirks like at something completely normal and even nice. Person who could treat him like somebody dear. Yes, his mental list was getting too long. Again.  
How he wished to be wrong.

♥

**03. Nightwish "Gethsemane"**

_Another Beauty  
Loved by a Beast  
Another tale of infinite dreams  
Your eyes they were my paradise  
Your smile made my sun rise_

_Forgive me for I don't know what I gain  
Alone in this garden of pain  
Enchantment has but one truth:  
I weep to have what I fear to lose_  
---

_'The dangerous games we play'_ was the best sentence to fit their relationship. Sometimes it was like going round in circles. Sometimes they really tried to kill each other. Sometimes it was hard to tell are they making love or trying to rip each others throat open. It was everything but gentle. There was no tenderness in these moments.  
Later when they laid tiredly on the bed Raito would lick the wounds on Ryuuzaki's skin. The detective would tangle his long fingers in Raito's hair. They won't talk. Everything was allright; they both knew.

♥

**04. Vanessa Mae "Blessed spirits"**  
_instrumental_  
---

They were falling.  
Raito and Ryuuzaki were looking upon the sky as thousands of stars fell, like a shining droplets of light.  
"You should make a wish." Raito's warm arms encircled Ryuuzaki, pulling him to his lovers warm chest. The detective was nibbling at his thumb looking as usual.  
"It's only a child's tale." was the answer. "Besides they are meteorites."  
Raito laughed. "I know. I just thought..."  
After a moment of silence he continued "Sayu always was dragging me outside on nights like this and wished upon a star. It gave her such happiness."  
"You miss this?" Ryuuzaki looked at him oddly.  
"Yes. I even miss our fights with Sayu." Raito's voice was warm.  
L had not answered, he only snuggled more into his lover's warmth. They both looked at the stars.  
"You know my wish?" it was more a statement than the question. Ryuuzaki was unfazed by the question; he felt it in Raito's touch, in the way his lover was holding him. And he knew what was this all about.  
"I do."

♥

**05. Evanescence "My last breath"**

_Hold on to me, love  
You know I can't stay long  
All I wanted to say was I love you  
And I'm not afraid  
Can you hear me  
Can you feel me in your arms_

_Holding my last breath  
Safe inside myself  
Are all my thoughts of you  
Sweet raptured light  
It ends here tonight_  
---

Ryuuzaki knew he was dying. He was fighting with pain, to breathe, to say anything... but he failed.  
The one holding him was Kira. The one holding him was his lover, his only friend. As L looked in his eyes he saw Raito here - shocked. So shocked. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to stay awake. Ryuuzaki wanted to tell his lover that he shuldn't cry, that he shouldn't be in such sorrow...  
But as the room was getting darker L saw that Raito was slowly gone from Kira's eyes. Yes, they were both dying - Ryuuzaki's death triggered something in Kira.  
How he wished that Raito will be gone when it all ends.

♥

**06. The Cranberries "Dreams"**

_...all my dreams  
It's never quite as it seems  
Never quite as it seems  
I know I've felt like this before  
But now I'm feeling it even more  
Because it came from you  
And then I open up and see  
The person falling here is me  
A different way to be_  
---

Raito was so warm. So close. When his hand was rubbing Ryuuzaki's back. When his fingers were playing with his unruly hair. L snuggled closer to this warmth and felt Raito's chuckle.  
"Kitten is feeling lonely today?"  
Ryuuzaki closed his eyes. He heard Raito's heartbeat, and it made him sleepy. "Mmhm." came the mumbled reply.  
It felt so good. So safe. Maybe Raito was Kira but it didn't mattered now - more important was his warmth. His closeness and even calling L "kitty".  
It felt nice. Warm.  
Like home.  
Home? He never had home, only a place to sleep and work. A shelter to hide from everyone. The only person who had seen him there was Watari and it was enough. It _was_ enough before; why not now?  
Ryuuzaki really wanted to take Raito with him. To have home. To _make_ their own home.  
"Don't fall asleep on me now, Kitten."

♥

**07. Roxette "Voices"**

_From sparks to the fire  
From here to obsession they cover the end  
Twisting a match and see the reflections of hunters of men  
Give me your dreams and I'll give you my time  
Until we make it to the borderline_

_Voices-cracking the night  
Voices-that cut like a knife  
Voices-hear them singing_  
---

Kira was getting restless. He could hardly move now but it wasn't the cause.  
L. Ryuuzaki. How that oddball could make him feel like this? And how could he be so ...nice. It made Kira want to vomit. That oddball touching him. Taking care of his body. Feeding him. Making sure that he was allright.  
It was kind of ...nice.  
His plan was working as expected. Ryuuzaki was really caring, surprisingly. What was worse Kira was also getting slowly affected by this. Only him and Ryuuzaki. Dark empty room. Silence.  
Only the voices.  
He had to remind himself he was Kira, he was the new God. He had to remember exactly all the plans he made. All the plans he put into work. All he made for the justice.  
Kira _was_ justice.  
L was wrong. Yes, Ryuuzaki believed he was justice, he was right but in reality he missed very important clues. He believed what he wanted to believe not seeing the whole image. Not seeing what Kira really does.  
Ryuuzaki was wrong. Yet... somehow Kira wondered if he _really_ has to kill him and then dismissed this thought with a shrug. He was right and this was the one and only way. It was important to his plans, to his dreams, to his ideals.  
Kira was a God. God is always right.

♥

**08. Sarah Brightman "Eden"**

_Did you ever think of me,  
As your best friend.  
Did I ever think of you,  
I'm not complaining._

_I never tried to feel.  
This vibration.  
I never tried to reach.  
Your eden._  
---

Kira couldn't sleep. He was thinking about Ryuuzaki... again. As he listened to Misa's steady breath, he missed this oddball calling himself the best detective.  
What was to miss there anyway? The way he sat, the way he crouched on the chair as if afraid of touching it? The way how he nibbled on the thumb looking like a total idiot? The amount of cakes and other sweets he consumed? (Kira shuddered at the thought.)The way he was watching the others with those huge eyes? His look? These dark circles under his eyes that was propably eyeliner? His terrible taste in clothes? The way he moaned and writher under Kira in bed? Or his kisses? His touch? The things he let Kira do with his body?  
But... Kira really missed him. Missed their conversations. Missed their closeness. Missed the warmth, the warmth he never felt with Misa or any other person.  
He couldn't forget Ryuuzaki.

♥

**09. Queen "Who wants to live forever"**

_There's no chance for us  
It's all decided for us  
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us_

_Who wants to live forever  
Who wants to live forever?_

_Who dares to love forever?  
When love must die_  
---

Sometimes Raito was afraid that when he'll wake up Ryuuzaki will be gone. Sometimes he wondered why Kira was so alike him. Sometimes he thought that L was the beauty and he was the beast; but somehow it was fitting. After all there was this chain binding them together. Somehow the metal weight on his wrist was making him sure that L will stay with him. That he will not disappear.  
Ryuuzaki was his only friend. Only person who Raito really admired. Ony person who the perfect Yagami could fall for. Another genius; a weird oddball; greatest detective. So similar yet so different.  
But for Raito he was only Ryuuzaki. That was what mattered. He wanted it to be something more than just a short dream. He wanted it to stay.  
The time was ticking away - after the Kira case L will be gone. Raito knew that they have only this moment, this short time in L's life.  
Sometimes he wondered if it was really important to Ryuuzaki. If _they_ were important. Was it really worth it? One beautiful memory, one thing to remember later.  
Something to remember.

♥

**10. Alice Cooper "Poison"**

_Your cruel device  
Your blood like ice  
One look could kill  
My pain your thrill_

_I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don't touch)  
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop  
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much)  
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison  
You're poison running through my veins  
You're poison, and I don't wanna break these chains_  
---

Ryuuzaki moaned. It felt so good, too good to have Raito's hands on him. It felt so good to have cold chain restraining his hands. "K-Kira..." moaned L.  
A loud slap reverberated through the room.  
"How many times I have to tell you I am NOT Kira?" Raito's voice was full of anger. "You want me to be him? Or you want _him_ to fuck you?"  
Ryuuzaki could't say anything for a moment. His cheek stung. "No..."  
His lover's eyes were full of anger and hurt. Younger male turned away from L.  
After a few moments Ryuuzaki composed himself and moved closer to Raito. His lover had not moved when blackhaired head was put on his shoulder.  
"I... I'm sorry." L's voice was nearly unaudible. "I..."  
"You are sure I am Kira. It's only subconscious, isn't it?" Raito turned and looked into dark eyes for a moment, then kissed him. Hard. It was anything but tender. It was loaded with frustration and anger.  
L let his lover do as he wanted, just wondered how many times will it slip and make their nights full of hatred. And then he stopped thinking when Raito's mouth closed on his nipple.

♥

**11. ENomine "Vater unser"**

_Vater unser  
der Du bist im Himmel  
Geheiligt werde Dein Name  
Dein Reich komme  
Dein Wille geschehe  
Wie im Himmel als auch auf Erden  
Und vergib uns unsere Schuld  
Wir auch wir vergeben unseren Schuldigern  
Wir auch wir vergeben unseren Schuldigern_

_Vater höre meine Stimme  
Herr höre meine Stimme_

_Lasset uns beten  
Der Herr ist ein Schatten über deinem rechten Hand.  
Amen  
Vater unser, Dein ist das Reich und die Kraft und die Herrlichkeit in Ewigkeit  
Amen_  
---

Kira looked at the body lying on the table.  
Ryuuzaki looked like he was sleeping. So vulnerable. So pathetic. So ...human. Cold light was making his body unearthly pale, even blueish. After all he was dead. He was not breathing.  
What was this feeling? Was it... a remorse? For _him_?  
And the gates to memories fell wide open. Ryuuzaki smiling, Ryuuzaki eating cake, Ryuuzaki pouting. His voice when they made love and later, when he was half asleep and wanted to snuggle closer to Raito. When he woke up and was sleepily rubbing his eyes. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he was telling something especially for Raito. His tentative touch still unsure even they were lovers for so long. Ryuuzaki nibbling his thumb. All his quirks that made him so unique. Dark circles under his eyes, his unruly black hair, his wide open eyes.  
A single tear glistened on Kira's cheek. He paused near the entrance, his hand frozen on the lightswitch.  
Ryuuzaki was afraid of falling asleep and waking up in the darkness.  
A moment passed. Lights were switched off.  
Kira closed the door.  
Gods know no mercy.

♥

**extra. Zhanna Bichevskaya "Davaite delat' pauzy v slovah"**

_Davaite delat' pauzy v puti  
smotret' vokrug vnimatelno i strogo  
chtoby sluchyayno drazdy ne proyti  
odnoy i toy nevyernoyu dorogoy.  
Davaite delat' pauzy v puti.  
Let's make pauses in the journey  
to look around carefuly and sternly,  
so we will not walk again and again  
the same one wrong road.  
Let's make pauses in the journey._  
translated by MariaMS  
---

"But it's true!" Ryuuzaki pouted as Raito took away the cake.  
Younger male looked at him oddly. "You ARE depressed and the only thing you do is raiding the fridge. I wonder how many times Watari had to go to the bakery today..." Raito put the plate away, trying to make sure the detective cannot reach it.  
"I need cake to think!!"  
Raito massaged his temples. His response was sarcastic "I thought you are thinking with your _brain_ not the cake. And I thought you need to sit in that certain way of yours to think."  
L pouted again. Raito couldn't help but smile, thinking that this was making him look like Misa. He tried to imagine Ryuuzaki in some of Misa's outfits. Okay, maybe not with black lace. And without lolita-frilly things.  
Loud crash reverberated through the kitchen as Ryuuzaki pounced Raito. As usual they tackled on the ground. This time it ended with Raito pinning Ryuuzaki to the floor and kissing him.  
"What was that about?" asked the younger male when they finally entangled from each others embrace.  
"I just wanted my cake." Ryuuzaki replied snatching the plate and putting a piece of cake into his mouth.

♥


End file.
